For My Lover - Samudera

I close my eyes.

I fall over backwards into your embrace. Carried away by your strength. Plunged into your depths. Lulled into a trance by your calm, your power, your silence, your grace...and your beauty. In the heat of the day you claim me again and again. In the darkness of moonless nights and starry skies you encompass me with a gentle heat. You embrace me within and without, a maddening caress no human could better.

For my Lover is not human.

Many names You have. Saagar, Samudera, Maha-Samud - these are my chosen names for You. Some worship You, live by Your grace. Some fear You. Some use Your bounty and profane You. I, simply, am bound to You from before the time of my birth, and all my life thereof. When You summon, I must run to You, or suffer an empty, restless existence, until You take me into You again. Until You are in me. Until I taste Your salt. Until I breathe while I am in Your grasp.

My Lover, I cannot stay long in Your world. Unless You make me part of that world. Many times You have attempted to, from the time I was 7, until now, You have selfishly tried to take me away from this existence into Yours. My time has not yet come. Maybe one day You will succeed. Maybe my final resting place is indeed in Your embrace. Am I to become one with You for eternity? Am I to dissolve, to disappear, to be re-invented in Your Depths?

With each union You reveal more and more of Your secrets. You show me Your mysteries and give me a better understanding of who and what You are. My human psyche will never be able to unravel Your depths - You teach, give me knowledge. You put others in my path, others who will help me, push me closer to You. I am humbled by all that You have given me. But I am not of Your world.

How long will You continue to summon me as such? Will You ever let me go?  I have given up others in Your name. The sacrifices I have made...just to have the taste of You on my lips. Salt. Is it the same salt that runs through my veins? What I have running within me is salt, is fluid...and it runs hot when I think of all the times I have come to you. Blood, it runs hot to go back into Your fluid embrace. You are fluid, yet Your will is as hard as steel. Your power burns me. You have been rough, and calm. Been beautiful, and angry. You have shown me a million faces which is beyond description. And I love You in all Your guises. Yes, even when Your wrath is ugly and threatens to destroy me, I still love You.

But I am like the wind - I come, I play, but I never stay. It is against my nature to stay. A gypsy from the sea. Tied to You for life, but always running away, until the time and distance that separates You and me becomes unbearable. Every single cell in my body begs to be returned to You. And that is when I seek You again. I am as selfish as You. I treasure my freedom, yes, even from You. I am bound to You, but I am not shackled.

For years I have always thought of You as a feminine, motherly, presence. Strange then, that You revealed Yourself to me in the form of a man, and a lover. Golden like the sun, clad only in a simple cloth, You came to me and staked Your claim. Even then You showed Your wrath, because I failed to recognise You. How could I? I thought it was all a dream. Since then, Your summons have been more frequent. More intense. Your call have made me steer my life in a different direction. I have embarked upon a way of life which I never dreamt of 365 days ago. A life which I dedicate to You. Like a priestess from an ancient lost religion, I have dedicated my life to You and Yours. I'll stand forth and protect and preserve what You hold. The wonderful and dangerous life within You I cherish.

Barely a fortnight ago I surrendered myself to You. And now You summon me again. My Lover, I am not of Your world. I am only human, and You, my love, the endless ocean. The beginning of all Life. And if You are to be the end of mine, I will gladly accept.

One last plunge into You, one eternal embrace, one with You.

When the time comes,You can have me. When You cease to exist, so will I. For I do not wish my consciousness to linger if You are to become a barren desert.

I will close my eyes.