Black, White and Shades of Grey

2009 has been a year painted with black, white and shades of grey. A little burst of colours as vibrant as Paul Klee’s works, in the form of my beautiful friends. I could not have survived this year without you, Karen Thibault, Fadila Arar, and François Guillevic. Thank you, from the depths of my heart and soul, for your peerless friendship. These are the friends that say “How are you?”, and really care, and wait to hear your answer. The friends, who, like those few I left behind in Belgium; I carry in the depths of my soul. Heart of my heart, blood of my blood, soul of my soul.

I lost one friend forever this year. Duli, I have to admit after grieving I became angry. A reversal in the grief process, but despite my anger I will miss you for a long time to come. My stomach still churns when I think of what we could or could not have done to help you.

I ‘lost’ two more friends to the recession and ups and downs (down being the operational word) of the corporate world. Last night my two friends finally crossed the continents and oceans which will remain as physical barriers for a time to come. A short time I hope. Fadila and François have gone back to France to start a new life, a better life. I will miss the breaks, the conversations, the movie sessions, the swimming sessions, the good food, drinks and fabulous desserts. You kept your hearts and home always open to a mongrel like me. I didn’t have enough time, and I think that forever would not have been enough, because the friendship you gave me was as infinite as the universe. Unconditional. Thank you.

Karen Thibault, I have no definition for you, nor for those I consider my friends. You are just Karen, a Being, a hybrid, divine. Forever you will remind me of the Guns N Roses song Sweet Child of Mine. A hybrid just like Laetitia Sedou, Thomas Govaerts, Duncan McIntosh, Sophie Renson, Nonka Matsuda and all the people who really mean something. Karen, I cannot imagine this year without you. Your presence in 2009 is probably what kept me together, and thanks for sharing Sher Khan with me for a while. You did not desert me during the blackest moments of 2009. Your strength was always a beacon guiding me as I fought to keep myself afloat. Tears and laughter, songs and dance, languages and sleepovers, dreams and nightmares, what would I have done without you?

2010, my fourth year in Singapore is approaching. I have no sense of belonging here. My country is within me, and the laws I follow are my own. I know I will never “belong” anywhere or to anyone. For people who forsake, betray, cheat their friends, people who call you friends and abandon you in the next breath, I will never understand your modus operandi. I may feel sad at your act, your motivations, but I know that I have not incurred a great loss. A blessing, to be rid of such users. My God is with me, and He doesn’t tell me to make others conform to my beliefs, nor does He demand for bloodshed and violence. My allegiance is only to those I love.

A social butterfly, a bookworm. Un oiseau de nuit (a nightbird - party animal), un rat de bibliothèque (a library rat - bookworm). My acquaintances have defined me as all of the above. My friends have no definitions, and what I love about them is that they don’t even try. They accept me as I am – me, myself and my solitude.

Thank you for being my pillars of strength, my books of wisdom, my guiding lights, my dictionaries and my "Google search engines". Despite my solitary nature, you climbed over "the great wall of China" and gave me your friendship. Thank you for being my friends. I feel in my bones that 2010 will be a better year for all of us, maybe because we will be one year wiser. I'm wishing all of you a very merry X'mas, with your families or close friends, drink one for me, smoke a joint for me, eat loads of desserts for me, my thoughts will be with you, imagining that I'm sitting right next to you for a while, until I move on to the next table. Then the New Year, 2010...for those across the seas, time to think about a little visit here. I will come to you at the end of 2010. In the meantime, my best wishes for all of you. You are all very precious to me.